THE TIGHTROPE
Women—and especially women of color—have long walked a more treacherous path when it comes to acceptable communication and behavior in the workplace. I’ve been in many conference rooms where it’s acceptable, albeit tacitly, for a man to pound his fist on the table when making a point, or to use expletives when angry. If a woman does the same, she is labeled strident, difficult, and nasty. She is branded with a Scarlet B: BITCH.
As a way to deal with this dilemma, women adopt what I call “low-status” behavior. They soften their opinions with disclaimers and equivocating words. They turn declarative statements into questions (think Valley Girl upspeak): “I’m not sure but maybe, you could do it this way?”
Out of fear of being labeled bossy or abrasive, they avoid pushing back on peers and giving direct reports the critical feedback they need. The cost? They undermine their authority, credibility, and leadership potential.
I had hoped we would have moved past this double standard, but apparently reality didn’t get my memo. If we want to stay in the game without losing our integrity—or our minds—we’ve got to learn to walk this tightrope with confidence, authenticity, and grit. Here are some more tips for doing just that!
1. Start with a Self-Assessment
Ask yourself—and a few trusted colleagues—for specific, honest feedback on your communication and leadership strengths (pluses) and areas for growth (deltas).
2. Own Your Expertise—Don’t Undermine It
Drop the “justs,” “sorrys,” and upward inflection. Speak about your experience and ideas with clarity, conviction, and pride.
3. Flex to Your Audience
Use your communication strengths strategically. Whether you’re speaking with peers, direct reports, or senior leaders, flex your style to connect—without losing your unique voice.
4. Pause Before You Respond
Train yourself not to react automatically. Stop, breathe, and think before you speak. Even a short pause helps you regulate your tone, choose your words, and respond with calm authority.
5. Get Curious Instead of Defensive
If challenged, lean into curiosity to disarm resistance and open dialogue: “What’s behind your concern?” “Help me understand your thinking.”
6. Stock a “Goody Bag” of Retorts
Prepare neutral, humorous, and very direct responses to inappropriate or belittling comments. Try: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“Interesting—would you say that to your wife, sister, or daughter?”
“Let’s keep this professional.” “That’s not okay with me.”
7. Circle Back and Call It Out
When you’re interrupted or your idea gets hijacked, speak up:
“Let me finish that thought.” “I’d like to return to the point I raised earlier.”
8. Name the Pink Elephant in the Room
When the emotional temperature is high—after a layoff, a tense meeting, or tough news—acknowledge it early and honestly.
9. Silence is Golden
Don’t rush to fill the airspace. Pausing shows confidence and gives you time to think before responding. It’s also very dramatic!
💡 Bonus Tip: Saying “No” and Disagreeing
One of the trickiest parts of walking the tightrope is knowing how to assert yourself without being branded a “BITCH”. The next time you need to say “no” or push back, don’t twist yourself into knots trying to sound “nice.” Keep your balance and speak your truth with warmth and strength using these phrases.
Saying No:
- “I’d love to, but I’m at capacity right now.”
- “I’m going to pass, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”
- “Thanks for the ask—this one’s a no for me.”
Disagreeing:
- “I see it differently—let me share my perspective.”
- “I want to push back on that idea for a second.”
- “I disagree—that’s not aligned with our goals or the data.”
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